Sunday, September 23, 2012

SLAP SHOT TO BAT


Time to lighten up a little. 

Conversations these days often turn to moves to the country. You know the places—two-lane roads, no sidewalks or street-lights, trees, deer, septic tanks and no cell phone service.   My friend, Dave, did just that.  After complaining for weeks about how his septic tank couldn’t handle a garbage disposal, he related this little story. Ah, the joys of country living.

Here’s my take.  Enjoy.

SLAP SHOT TO BAT©

         FMHorner

there’s a bat in the house
weather’s changing
that always brings them in

not a problem
turn on the porch light
open the door

what?
it’s heading for my office
get the broom

flip the light switch
the ceiling fan starts to spin
and there it is

hanging on like a bull rider
going round and round
on the carousel from hell

with one swift blow, the fan
is transformed to
an abstract air moving device

the blades rattling
like a cheap mobile
but the bat dodges my knocks

and lands on a picture
above my desk,
a nice watercolor

slam, I got it, but the frame
falls to the floor
glass shattering everywhere

now the winged vermin
is flying to the kitchen
I follow, crunching shards as I go

the jug-eared vampire
swoops behind the frig
ha-ha, now I’ve got ya

damn, the broom won’t fit
get the vacuum
and suck it out

my trusty Hoover
roars into action
as I aim the nozzle

somehow,
the hose to the
icemaker falls off

water is spewing
all over the floor
but, where is the bat?

there it is
sliding around
trying to gain traction

I aim a slap shot
and the bat whizzes
out the door onto the porch

my hockey career has ended
now if I only had a Zamboni
to clean up the mess.

For Dave H.  Thanks for the laugh. Hope that your life on Walden Pond has improved.

Till next week, Hairballs to all,

F





2 comments:

Unknown said...

I made the terrible mistake of reading this while eating lunch. I laughed so hard I nearly choked on my tuna!!!

Ferne, I LOVE YOUR WRITING!!!!!

Anonymous said...

I've had my own bat experience...... In a wonderful, Lumber Baron Victorian. In Grand Rapids Mich. on Halloween. I can totally relate.