DUMB BASTARD AWARD FOR SEPTEMBER

Greetings Hairballers,

We’ve made it to October and it’s time for another Dumb Bastard Award.

None of my friends has dropped a cell phone in the toilet or tried to silence a smoke alarm with a sledgehammer--been a rather calm month on the home front.

As a result, I’m breaking one of my own rules and awarding the DBA to politicians.  Now, I realize saying dumb bastard and politician in the same sentence is redundant but here we go.  The award goes to:

The Tea Party, GOP and the ring-wing-nuts who voted for them, as they have now shut down our government.

Did you know that some of the tea party members of the house announced that their goal, upon arriving on Capitol Hill, was to shut down the government?

Extortion or anarchy?

Government of the people, for the people…. When does that start?

May it rain hairballs upon them forever,

F

p.s.  Hockey season starts today.  If Congress had a commissioner like the NHL and the same rules it might just work.  After spending time in the penalty box and a couple 10-day suspensions without pay, maybe they would start doing their jobs.

We are, their employers.  Would you're employer put up with such behavior?

OMG OF THE WEEK

The GOP (greedy old party) is threatening to shut down the government unless Obamacare is defunded!

This is extortion and the last time I checked, it was against the law.

If we are talking about congress with regard to the government, it’s been shut down for years.

This level of greed and selfishness is stunning.   Maybe they’re afraid their payoffs will stop.

It’s raining hairballs!

f

CRUSING UP THE ANAL CANAL

Greetings Hairballers,

Recently, I had a call from someone who proceeded to tell me about a colonoscopy that was undergone by a person I didn’t know and never will--something like her Mother’s neighbor’s third cousin’s ex-husband.  Sounds like one of those chain emails we trash.  Though she delivered a blow-by-blow account with the gusto of a sports announcer, I was lost right after the word enema, when my mind glazed over and I started to think of it as one of the Viking River Cruises.  So, here we go.

CRUSING UP THE ANAL CANAL©

         FMHorner

days of evacuating

preceded the event,

a requirement of necessity,

no bathroom breaks

on this adventure,

so leave home without it.

the big day arrived

and our barge was ready

to depart

the little vessel entered the canal

headed for the beautiful blue river,

which is actually brown--how appropriate

our little ship is equipped

with a breaker device

to snip off and bag polyps,

the equivalent

of ice floes that might be

encountered on the voyage.

alas, we were brought to a halt

by one embedded

half way up the gut

but the blockage was

dealt with quickly and

we were once more on our way.

at last our boat arrived

at the throat of the river,

our destination…

fortunately, the scenery was missed

by all but the captain,

who seemed bored,

having taken this

cruise hundreds of times before

with different passengers,

mission accomplished

he proclaimed,

turning our boat around

for the return trip

to Port Anus,

were it all began

Colonoscopy Cruises are taking reservations for the spring of 2014.

This is a serious medical procedure and not to be taken lightly.  It has saved thousands of lives.  It’s just not a subject most of us wish to discuss, especially over dinner.  Now, if someone would just call and talk about the start of hockey season instead, I’d be a happy camper.

Hairballs,

f

DUMB BASTARD AWARD FOR AUGUST

Greetings Hairballers,

The DB Award for August--

Goes to Larry Sanders of the Milwaukee Bucs for of his new forearm tattoo--“Recieve.”   Remember, “i” before “e” except after “c.”

I’m totally sympathetic as I recently spelled my apartment manger’s name Brain instead of Brian.  Though for me it’s more typing ineptitude than spelling.  However, I did not have it tattooed on any of my body parts.

Good luck with getting that fixed. 

Why not have Winner of The August 2013 Dumb Bastard Award tattooed above it?  Then it would be way cool.

Here’s a link with picture: 

http://www.thepostgame.com/blog/dish/201308/nbaer-may-have-gotten-misspelled-tattoo.

Take a hairball,

F

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