CRYSTAL BALL GAZING AND OTHER BREAKING NEWS

Greetings Hairballers,

If you weren’t watching 24-hour cable news during the events of the Boston Marathon, you’re either smarter than most or living under a rock—both have their merits.

The TV news-show hosts were positively orgasmic.  The pontificators (some say gas bags) didn’t have to discuss wars, economics and Congress. For these one-trick ponies when news breaks, all other events cease.

Here’s a sample script of how a show could have gone and did for the most part.  I’ve made it up, these people do not exist so don’t get your knickers in a twist.

Bert – Self-important news-show host

Ted – Former government profiler and now big deal instant expert

Dr. Fred – Official medical expert for cable news station

Bert:  (face turns red with veins sticking out on his forehead, outraged tone

 to his voice)

Tell me Ted, could an American have done this?

Ted:  (Calm with a slightly superior look on his face)

         Why yes, Bert.  Americans are shooting each other all the time.

Bert: (Shakes his head and looks sad—clue to audience to be sad)

         I just don’t understand why anyone would do such a thing.

Bert:  Ted, what’s he thinking about right now?

Ted:  I don’t know.  Probably about how he’s going to manage to get away.

Bert:  Do you think the suspect is hungry?  Where is he getting food?

Ted:  I don’t know, Bert.

Bert:  There’s a rumor on the Internet that Preposterous Pizzas has delivered

         a large pepperoni with extra cheese to an undisclosed location.  Do you

         think it’s for the suspect?

Ted:  If it’s an undisclosed location, it’s probably for the former Vice

President.  He’s been there for a long time and I suspect he’s hungry.

Bert:  (Looking incredulous)

But he’s not Vice President any more.

Ted:  I don’t think anyone told him because no one knows were he’s staying.

Bert:  We have to take a break.  Our next guest will be Dr. Fred, our own medical expert.

Commercial break

Bert:  (Showing excitement at the thought of blood and gore)

         Dr. Fred thanks for being with us.

         Is this guy injured and how badly?

Dr. Fred:  I don’t know, Bert.  He could be but then again, maybe not

Bert:  (Showing frustration while running his hands through his hair)

That’s all for me folks.  Our coverage continues now with Mark. 

Oh, did you hear another station got the suspect’s description wrong.

Moderator:  In other news, the sun came up this morning, it rained

         somewhere in the world and France is still in Europe.  Now back to our

         constant coverage of the breaking news.

Commercial break

#

What happened in Boston was horrible.  We don’t need childish, time-fillers to tell us to be outraged and sad.  How about some straight, old-fashioned news for a change?  Cable news has become more like the psychic network with all the unanswerable speculation.  For me, I’ll stick to watching hockey.  There, at least I know a goal when I see one and I can ignore the guys who tell why.

Hairballs,

f

OMG OF THE WEEK

Greetings Hairballers,

The GOP spin machine is hard at work telling everyone within earshot how many terrorist attacks there have been under President Obama and that there were “none” under President Bush/Cheney. My favorite is the underwear bomber.  Yes, the guy who blew up his crotch.

What do they call 911? It was the worst attack on the US in history and it took place under the Bush/Cheney Administration.  Yet, we were constantly told, back then, that the American people were kept safe and there were no attacks under Bush—and many believed it!

Do I hear the sheep parade—Baaaaaaaa!  Or are they goats, who eat tin cans and other garbage?  Is anyone still wrapping their house in plastic tarps?

Fear = control.

Hairballs,

f

OMG OF THE WEEK

Greetings Hairballers,

The North Carolina state legislature tried to pass a bill establishing an official state religion.  Fortunately, their governor had read the U.S. Constitution and shot it down.

Who do they think they are?  Iran

Hairballs,
f

P.S.  The email subscription, followed by thing, is not working so I'll keep the individual email list until it's worked out.  Sorry folks.

PACKING ALBERTA©

Greetings Hairballers,

Hot and muggy has returned to us here in Florida.  I’ve been stowing away the cold weather gear, such as it is, exchanging it for the tropical climate clothes that must be washed over and over again.

A bit of sadness comes every year as I pack my things in the trunk, Alberta. Will I ever wear them again while sitting in the Saddledome; or, will these garments stay forever stored away—trinkets of bygone days?

PACKING ALBERTA©

         FMHorner

We’ve have been together for decades,

Alberta and I,

since back in the Washington days,

that big trunk on wheels

that holds the clothes I wear

when hell freezes over

or a trip to Edmonton and Calgary in February,

things that never were in style

like long underwear, a fleece parka and earmuffs,

there was no trip north this year

the lockout found me working the phones

to places like Bratislava and Moscow,

watching TV sitcoms,

writing bad poetry, reading books

and wallowing in self-pity for lack of puck

now in Florida, I add the few things needed

for our half hour of winter—

yoga pants and a couple of sweaters

it’s 80° tonight, the humidity’s off the charts,

a look in the mirror tells me

I’ve also packed the bags under my eyes

life changes,

the lockout’s over and

 I watch hockey on TV.

Hairballs!

f

P.S.  Playoffs start April 30.

OMG OF THE WEEK II

Two in one week!

Chained CPI is in the President’s budget.  Campaign promise broken, busted, not kept.  So we old suckers, disabled veterans, etc., get thrown under the bus. 

All this talk of helping “working families,” there is not such thing—just a buzz phrase.   Individuals work, families don’t.  Unless it’s a family farm or business and even then, the kids are in school or are infants.

The President doesn’t have to worry, he’s got his second term but there are members of Congress for whom I will never vote if they approve this budget.

Entitlement has become a dirty word.  Social Security isn’t a free ride, it’s a return on investment for which you paid and worked all your life!

Wall Street is allowed to fiddle as Rome burns while we hear more empty rhetoric.

Hairballs are being hacked up all over.

f

OMG OF THE WEEK

Greetings Hairballers,

Whiskysteps passed this on and I thought you’d either be amused or wonder why you are paying taxes to the morons who write these laws.

REAL LAWS STILL ON THE BOOKS.

1. Texas-a recently passed anti-crime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hour notice either orally or in writing, and explain the nature of the crime to be committed.

2. Tennessee-it is illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish (I think if you can catch a fish with a lasso, you should win something)

3. South Dakota- it is illegal to fall asleep in a cheese factory.

4. Montana-it is illegal to have a sheep in the cab of your truck without a chaperone.

5. Louisiana-it is illegal to rob a bank then shoot the teller with a water gun.

May these law makers hack a thousand hairballs.

f