DUMB BASTARD AWARD FOR FEBRUARY

Greetings Hairballers,

It’s the first of the month and time for the Dumb Bastard Award.

Congratulations to:  The city of Tampa, Florida, for having such an out-of-date, worn out, old and dysfunctional infrastructure that a squirrel, yes I said squirrel, chewed through the wires, resulting in a boiled water alter for all residents, including restaurants and hospitals, for a week.  Wow, what a right-to-work state can do for you.  Maybe they should look for the union label.

Okay and me, for being redundant—there’s a Hairball in there somewhere.

Hairballs to them,

f

Loonarella and the Lost Slipper

Greetings Hairballers,

My friend, Maggie (not her real name) wins in the having the most bizarre houseguest category.

Loonarella and the Lost Slipper©

         FMHorner

a friend of my houseguest

coming to stay for two nights--

I’m flexible

how bad could it be?

yet I heard caching, caching

as her needs and restrictions

were dictated, in staccato tones,

oy vey

no bag of bagels for this woman

she ate no wheat

no dairy

no meat

fresh fish, of course,

was on her menu, she said

that I could pick it up

when I went to the store

she’d heard I was a gourmet cook,

oh why couldn’t I be like

Susan and Ferne, who cook by

pushing the start button on the microwave?

at last the visit was over--I had survived

by consuming gallons of

Fat Bastard chardonnay,

the only wine that seemed appropriate

we piled into my silver chariot,

airport bound,

with my friend in front,

and Loonerella and her gear in back

upon arrival, Loonerella started to shout

I can’t find my other shoe

we’re going to miss our plane,

where is my shoe?

off she hobbled into the terminal

wearing one 2 inch high heel,

the other foot bare,

pulling a suitcase and clutching a plant

dreaming of quiet and a bottle of wine,

I pulled into the driveway,

and there in the headlights,

a high-heeled shoe

if prince charming comes knocking

he’d better be delivering

a pizza or something

because I’m burying that shoe in the back yard

oh, and moving to France.

I’m not Maggie but have enough houseguest stories to keep the Gazette going for months.  It's been the winter of Florida.

Hairballs,

f

OMG OF THE WEEK

First a special thanks to Chuck and Larry.  Thanks for caring and offers of help.  Love you guys.

Now for the OMG

The Indiana State Legislature has passed a bill (all Democrats and one Republican voted no) to require women taking the abortion inducing pill to have two (2), not one, but two, vaginal ultrasounds. One before and one after.

If these men need something to do with their hands, they could try making model airplanes or playing with themselves.

Why are they so afraid of women that they must humiliate us?  Didn’t we fight a war or some thing against men who treated women this way?

Other news:  I guess you know that Herman Cain is now a contributor to Fox News.  That isn’t an OMG but more of a yes indeed.  Cain said he hoped he could do as well as Sarah Palin.  Okay then, low bar.

Hairballs,

f

PRIZE AT THE BOTTOM OF THE BOX

Greetings Hairballers,

I have the flu so will be short.

PRIZE AT THE BOTTOM OF THE BOX©

FMHorner

Say you’ve consumed

a gigantic box

of sugar infused flakes

to reach the bottom

and claim your reward

a plastic whistle

just like it says on TV

but it makes no sound

no matter how much you blow

busted

Congress is our prize

at the bottom of the box

it, too, is busted

but unlike the whistle,

it blows and makes a lot of noise

Hairballs to all,

f

OMG OF THE WEEK

The Pope has resigned citing age and ill health.  I guess spending more time with his family doesn’t work.  His successor will be chosen by a bunch of old white men.

Also, the US Senate passed the Violence Against Women Act.  All women voted yes.  22 republican men voted no—some of these are:  Senators who voted against the bill included Republicans John Barrasso (Wyo.), Roy Blunt (Mo.), John Boozman (Ark.), Tom Coburn (Okla.), John Cornyn (Texas), Ted Cruz (Texas), Mike Enzi (Wyo.), Lindsey Graham (S.C.), Chuck Grassley (Iowa), Orrin Hatch (Utah), James Inhofe (Okla.), Mike Johanns (Neb.), Ron Johnson (Wisc.), Mike Lee (Utah), Mitch McConnell (Ky.), Rand Paul (Ky.), Jim Risch (Idaho), Pat Roberts (Kansas), Marco Rubio (Fla.), Jeff Sessions (Ala.), John Thune (S.D.) and Tim Scott (S.C.).

Now on the House—a place were members get paid a lot of money, have great perks and health insurance but do very little work.  Where did I go wrong?

Hairballs indeed.

f