What Fresh Snell is This--News from Termite Terrace

HAIRBALL GAZETTE SPECIAL June 23 3014

What Fresh Snell is This--News from Termite Terrace

Greetings Hairballers,

The place was sold and I hope the new owners got a fixer-upper price.  The new management company is Burton Carol, the owners remain a mystery by I would not be surprised if it’s the Koch brothers.

All correspondence is now issued from the BC headquarters and I’ve noticed they can use words longer than two syllables and do not attempt to be cute.

The initial letter was a four-page introduction. In this, they used the term “extremely excited” three times on the first page.  I had visions of people standing around their offices panting and shaking.  As any decent writer knows, it’s really, really bad to use the deadly “lys.”  Point.  I suggest using only excited in the first instance, orgasmic for the second and the third, which refers to keeping the present manager, nauseous.

Our rent varies from month to month because of the addition of water, trash and sewer.  They have eliminated direct debt and we have a choice of writing a check and using the mail or paying by phone at a charge of $19.95.  If the check is lost in the mail, a late charge is applied.  Of course, you can’t pay anything until you receive the bill.  There are no mailboxes on Snell Isle, so it’s a ride in the car to the post office or UPS store--sort like the Well Fargo Wagon.  That is why I’m thinking Koch Brothers.

It gets better. 

Today we were informed that the entire complex would be painted.  Good.  We were also told that the sand volleyball court would be removed.  No more tits and ass in the hood.

Da, da, da, da--the entire complex has termites!!!!  Thus the new name, Termite Terrace, which I stole from the great animators of Warner Brothers of old. Yurts on the Bay works well too.

But back to the termites.  Everyone will receive a $100 rent credit for August so they can stay at a hotel while the place is being tented.  The cat, Benchley, and I are staying with the Gailey’s because there is no hotel for $100 a night that doesn’t rent by the hour.

People are moving out at a rapid clip.  My lease ends in 191 days--I’ve put a counter on my phone.

Let’s hope my bathroom ceiling hold that long because there’s a leak up stairs and I’m having trouble getting it fixed.

Hacking up Hairballs,

f

The Lollipop

Greeting Hairballers,

A little something on life’s injustices and how the universe puts in the fix if we are patient and allow it to happen.

The Lollipop©

         FMHorner

Down at the church fair

Mr. Milfred had set up a stand

where you threw baseballs

at empty beer cans.

Guess he drank the beer

for religious purposes,

being that he was so holy and all.

Right!

If you knocked down all ten,

you won first prize, a stuffed bear,

if you got only three

he’d give you a lollipop.

Well, I sure wanted that bear

‘cept I never was good a throwing baseballs,

still I plunked down my 50 cents,

straightened up and took aim--

those balls weren’t goin’ anywhere near those cans,

but I did manage three

and won me a big orange lollipop,

biggest one I’d ever seen.

Then Aunt Lucille took it from me

and gave it to Mary Sue

‘cause she had her face all screwed up

and was startin’ to bawl.

I hope she chokes on the thing,

but only after it gets stuck

on Aunt Lucille’s fancy dress

and ruins it.

Fast-forward to the future, where life has a way of settling scores if we’re willing to be patient and wait--

Mary Sue now weighs between 400 and a ton, and is still wringing her hands and complaining.

The narrator pitches for the Yankees.

Motivation comes in many guises. 

Hairballs,

F

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SALLY GETS STUCK AT LUNCH

Greeting Hairballers,

A friend recently traveled up north, that’s anywhere above South Carolina to those of us in Florida, to house and cat sit for relatives who’d gone to Europe.  In this case Michigan, 20 miles out of town.

Because her dog got sick during the trip, she was pretty much stuck in the house with a few forages into civilization.

I have close friends in the wilds of Maryland, who are far more interesting and fun than the folks Sally ran into. If I go north, look out Maryland, here I come.

Here’s Sally’s story or at least my take on it.

SALLY GETS STUCK AT LUNCH©

         FMHorner

gathering for lunch

is a weekly ritual

for the ladies on the street

my invitation to join

came as a surprise

being an out-of-towner

only visiting for 3 weeks

to house sit for a cousin

who’d gone to France

the banter began with

talk of kitchen appliances

and moved on to reality TV

I Pads and phones hit the table

as the conversation shifted

to grandchildren and families

ohs and ahs were exclaimed at a

picture of little junior

graduating from pre-K

who the hell graduates from pre-K?

I ask myself--

they sleep through it

one woman complained

over and over

about the pain in her arm

at last, something to which I could relate

because this lunch

was a pain in the ass

Hairballs indeed,

f

DUMB BASTARD AWARD FOR MAY

The award goes to:  Donald Sterling, former or present owner of the Los Angeles Clippers, depending on the status by the time I push the publish button.

Sterling made racist remarks that became public recently, mainly because he was jealous that his girl friend was in the company of Magic Johnson.  Sterling further demeaned Magic Johnson, who, as far as I know, is quite a humanitarian.

The NBA banned Sterling from the team and the sport for life and is attempting to force the sale of the team.

Mrs. Sterling, the estranged wife of Donald Sterling, and the Sterling Trust sold the team to Steve Ballmer for $2 billion, pending approval of the other owners.  I’d like to insult someone and make $2 billion.

Here’s where it gets crazier.  The agreement made by the Trust with the NBA states that the Trust would be responsible for any lawsuits that occur.

Donald Sterling is suing the NBA for $1 billion, which means he is suing himself!!

Here’s a link to a story on Fox Sports:  http://msn.foxsports.com/nba/story/report-donald-sterling-to-sue-nba-for-1-billion-053014

Rich and stupid?

Hairballs, the soap opera continues….

f