DUMB BASTARD AWARD FOR AUGUST 2014

Greetings Hairballers,

Another month has ended and it’s time for the Dumb Bastard Award.

The award goes to:

 ALL THOSE PEOPLE WEARING GUNS AS FASHION ACCESSORIES.

Guess they want attention (they’re getting it), they want to feel like a big deal (they aren’t) or they want to scare people (they are).

We are also laughing at you.

You are just the sort who would carry a Prada handbag (Gun totters--I know you don’t know what that is but think very expensive, like more than a doublewide) with the price tag left on so everyone knows how much you paid or who leaves the stickers on a new car window so we’ll all know the cost and how much you owe.

Will we be seeing designer guns on the runway at Fashion Week this fall or on the cover of Vogue?  Have the arbitrators of good taste yet decreed whether the guns should match our shoes?

Makes me sorry that writing on restroom walls has gone out of style.

Hairballs,

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UP THE TELEMARKETER

Greetings Hairballers,

With all the goings on in the world, I thought it was time to lighten up and take on our common enemy with a little monologue.

Enjoy and hairballs to them.

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UP THE TELEMARKETER©

        

FMHorner

         Hello?

         Yes, this is she.

         I’m so glad you called.  I needed to talk to someone. I’ve been terribly distressed ever since Edith had that incident on the sliding board and broke her trombone.  Well, it’s more bent than broken.  I told her she was too big to fit on that thing.  You should have seen the dust fly when it collapsed, the slide not the trombone. It looks more like a French horn now but Edith doesn’t know how to play one.

         She’s thinking of taking lessons rather than buying a new instrument.  I told her that will probably cost more but Edith says it will broaden her horizons.  She is the horizon given the size of her rear end but, of course, I would never say that.  Then you have to add in the cost replacing the neighbor’s kids sliding board.

         This whole mess has cut into our bingo time.  You don’t play bingo, do you?  No.  Too bad.  You could replace Edith on Thursday afternoons.

         Hold on, that’s her on the call waiting.

         Hello, Edith.

         Oh my, he did, you did, that’s awful.

         Have a double bourbon and lie down dear, it will calm your nerves.

         I know it’s only 2 o’clock in the afternoon, but this is a medical emergency.  Call me when you wake up.  I’m on the phone now with a nice young man who can fix your trombone.

         I’m back. That was Edith.  The music teacher said she didn’t have a French horn, just a busted trombone.  I could have told her that for free.  She tried blowing through the mouthpiece to show him and the bent slide thing flew off and smacked him upside the head.  Knocked him out cold.  Edith said he had a complete personality change when he came to--started screaming at her to get out and waving his arms.

         She’s all upset. Poor thing’s home swilling bourbon like there’s no tomorrow.  Did I mention that Edith drinks?

         Anyway, I told her you could probably fix that trombone of hers.

         You can’t?  You’re selling life insurance?  Well, why didn’t you say so? I don’t need any but you might want to call that music teacher.  

         Bye now.

OMG OF THE WEEK

The no fly zone over Ferguson has been extended.  As far as I can tell, the only antiaircraft weapons are in the hands of the police.  Hope they don't shoot down the local TV traffic helicopter.

What don't they want us to see?

Egypt, yes Egypt, has condemned the treatment of the protestors in Ferguson Mo.

Here's the link:

http://www.thewire.com/national/2014/08/egypt-of-all-countries-joins-un-in-condemning-us-actions-in-ferguson/378784/


Hairballs

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JESUS OF CLEVELAND

Greetings Hairballers,

The Gazette is pleased to introduce our newest contributor, Jesus (Haysoose) O’Malley.  Jesus plays second base for the Cleveland Cahoots, a AAA ball club, affiliated with the Moose Jaw Blades--a pickup hockey team that gathers when the pond is frozen, which is all the time.

His family fled Ireland, for reasons not discussed, and settled somewhere in Latin America a century ago.  After an arduous journey involving rafts and pickup trucks, O’Malley arrived in Cleveland. 

Known affectionately to his fans as Jesus of Cleveland, he’s a long-ball hitter known for his wisdom.

Right now, Jesus is perplexed that the Teabaggers are screaming at immigrant children, in a language they don’t speak, and using him as their rallying cry.  Could it be that it’s all right to be an illegal immigrant if you can hit home runs?

He also wonders why the Teabaggers chose to name themselves after a sex act.  Maybe there’s more here than meets the eye.

A special Hairball welcome to J of C.

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Dumb Bastard Award for July 2014

Greetings Hairballers,

I’m back from a month of termite tenting, evacuating and generally imposing on my friends.

The DBA goes to:  The protesters at the southern border screaming and pointing guns at the refugee children.  There’s nothing like terrifying a bunch of kids by yelling at them in a language they don’t speak. 

A special DBA nod to the woman who was screaming into a bullhorn, “Jesus wouldn’t break the law.”  What Jesus did she mean?  Surely not the historical man talked about in the Bible, who was a rebel and advocate of the people.  She must have meant the Jesus who plays second base for Cleveland, who is probably from Cuba or the Dominican Republic. 

So there, stuff that up your bullhorn.  

Hairballs are flying everywhere.

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