DUMB BASTARD AWARD FOR JANUARY 2014

Greetings Hairballers,

Breaking my own rule again here and giving the award to a politician. 

The award goes to:  Representative Michael Grimm, Republican of Staten Island, who threatened to throw Michael Scotto of NY1 TV off the balcony after the State of the Union address because the reporter asked about the federal investigation regarding his fund raising.  Grimm tried to pull a Palin by saying he only agreed to discuss the State of the Union and that the question was a cheap shot.  When that didn’t work, he brought out his inner bully with his threat of violence.

He did not throw himself on the floor and hold his breath, although that would have been a nice touch.

According to Capitol Hill Police, there were no criminal charges, but what the House Ethics Committee will do remains a question.

My God, Staten Island, you voted for this guy!

Here’s a link for the NY Daily News.

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/politics/new-york-rep-michael-grimm-threatens-reporter-asked-fundraising-allegations-article-1.1594857

Hairballs for sure,

f

OMG OF THE WEEK AND BEYOND

OMG isn't enough for this.

Utah school takes lunches from elementary grade children with unpaid balances and THROWS them away.

No amount of apologies will ever take away the humiliation these kids endured.

When bullying is such a problem, why is it being practiced by a school district?    Why didn't someone step up to stop it?

Here's a link to the story.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/01/30/uintah-school-student-lunches_n_4695968.html

I don't have children but this story plagues me.

As human beings, we have sunk to a new low.

Hairballs,

f

THE TELEPHONE --A COMING OF AGE STORY

Greetings Hairballers,

Got to thinking the other day about how telephones have been the bane of my existence--this after spending four and a half hours with AT&T straightening out the mess with my dumb smart phone.

It must be the magic number because when I was four years old, I climbed up on a chair, called the operator and asked to be put through to Buffalo Bob Smith in New York.  You see I was a loyal watcher of Hoody Doody and every day Buffalo Bob would say, “hi boys and girls,” and then wave to Susie, Billy, Mary, Johnny--but never said my name.  I was going to tell him off.  Fortunately my Mother arrived as the operator was trying to talk me down.  Mom explained that he made the names up and couldn’t actually see through the TV.  Wow, a preschooler and I’d already found out Buffalo Bob Smith was a liar.  I grew up fast.

THE TELEPHONE --A COMING OF AGE STORY©

         FMHorner

In the beginning,

mine not Mr. Bell’s,

there was the telephone

a black plastic blob

with a finger nail breaking dial

to make it go

a very short cord

tethered this ruler of all things

to the wall

ours was enthroned on the

kitchen counter

wedged between the wall and a toaster

it rang, you ran

that was the way of things,

everyone answered its shrill demands

then came divesture

Ma Bell busted for doing a good job,

the telephone was out from behind the toaster

consumers were free to buy phones

shaped like space ships, animals and,

my cousins’ favorite, a penis

they didn’t work and

somewhere there’s a landfill

heaped with these never-to-be decomposed objects

next came the sort of mobile phone,

a piece of technology the size of a brick

sporting a large antenna

ca ching, ca ching 

like riding a taxi

with the meter running

these didn’t last long as the manufacturer was

probably sued by the two people who owned them

for rotator cuff injuries

but an idea as born

people liked to have their phones with them

to hold them, to look at them, to adore them

the age of miniaturization was upon us

calling devices the size of a credit card

but still with limited minutes

these wonders would dial Tibet from

the inside of a purse

or Italy from the pocket over your butt

newer ones could take pictures

of our pets, children and

unsuspecting citizens

people walked the streets saying,

“what, I can’t hear you, did you

hang up on me? $#%& phone”

with the advent of the smart phone,

the land line is gong to way of   

the typewriter

companies compete for our business

by offering better plans

and more free minutes

we no longer have conversations

we text or tweet

instant information

our lives reduced to

mini sound bites

without the sound

yet, we can watch the game

or a movie by squinting at our phones

while the 92 inch flat screen gathers dust

Hairballs indeed.

f

OMG OF THE WEEK

I can't even make this stuff up but think folks better put Armour-all in their underwear.

Weather Channel Warns Viewers To Look Out For 'Winter Storm Anus'

www.huffingtonpost.com

Hairballs at least,

f

OMG OF THE WEEK

The city of Largo FL has purchased two snowplows.

Gasp?  No--turns out they’re smart and have taken a page from other cities. 

If there is a tropical storm or hurricane, the plows can be attached to dump trucks and the debris removed from roads in minutes.

Hairballs to doubters such as me.  You go Largo.

f

The Day of Smartphone Hell

Greetings and Happy New Year Hairballers,

I’ve always prided myself on not being dependent on my smartphone.  After all, I’ve got the laptop for things such as email, Internet research and the book of face.  Was I in for a surprise when the phone went dead.

The Day of Smartphone Hell©

         FMHorner

My smartphone, Gladys,

chose Saturday morning or maybe Friday night

to have her near-dearth experience

we retired for the night fully charged

she on the shelf

me in the bed

sometime between sleep and waking

something had drained

her life force

now Gladys comes from the

Galaxy III of Samsung Tribe,

whose weak batteries are legend

but this time the phone was dead

no amount of shaking, plugging

and cursing worked

after standing around confused

as to how to check the weather

I had to turned on the TV

Weather - Smartphone dependency No. 1 identified

I couldn’t check the calendar

on the phone and

didn’t remember if I had engagements or not

Calendar - Smartphone dependency No. 2 identified

screw appointments, I was off to AT&T

but because I didn’t turn on the computer

to check the address, I got lost

after 17 U turns and driving through

neighborhoods I didn’t know existed

I arrived at my cell phone provider

GPS - Smartphone dependency No. 3 identified

someone, perhaps another customer,

suggested the problem was a dead battery,

which, of course, AT&T doesn’t sell (batteries dead or alive)

they pulled a battery out of a display model

and installed it temporarily--

diagnosis correct but not cured

I was then given directions

to Batteries Plus in the next town

where for $50, the phone was fixed

Gladys is back among the living

I don’t know if she went through a tunnel

saw the light, or was met by cell phones who had passed

I’m glad to have her once again at my side, but I’m angry

because these mobile phone providers have us by the

throat or the balls or whatever body part you prefer

My Samsung has become a money pit!

Hairballs to them,

f

P.S.  I know if that’s my only problem, I’m lucky.  I could be waiting for a crate of live lobsters lost by the airlines in a snowstorm! Hairballs to them too.