THE CABLE COMPANY RECORDING

Greetings Hairballers,

Had to call Bright House, my cable provider, to cancel an appointment.  Following is my conversation with their recording.

THE CABLE COMPANY RECORDING

IRL (Idiot Recording Lady)

M (Me)

IRL:  Hello.  Are you calling from a phone associated with your account?  Say Yes or No.

M:     Yes

IRL:  Got it.

IRL:  I see you have an appointment for tomorrow between 6 and 8. 

         What would you like to do?  Say reschedule, confirm or cancel.

M:     Cancel

IRL:   Okay, I’ll cancel that for you.

IRL:  Now in a few words, tell me why you are calling.

M:     To cancel my appointment.

IRL:   I don’t understand.

M:     Do I get fries with that?

SRL:  I don’t understand.

M:     Do these slacks come in blue?

IRL:   I don’t understand.

M:     Out, out damned spot

IRL:   I don’t understand

M:     &%!$#*&@!

IRL:  I don’t understand

M:     Maybe I’ll cancel my account and go with Verizon.

IRL:   One Moment while I transfer you to a representative.

M:     You understood that.

Hairballs,

f

WHATSAMADDAU

Greetings Hairballers,

Everything and everyone seems crazy lately.  People spending energy being against rather than for.  So many have snapped.

To which I say:

WHATSAMADDAU!

Hairballs to them,

f

LISTENING TO REPLY

Greetings Hairballers,

Things have been a bit strange and overly complicated lately.  Here’s a little “some of it.”

LISTENING TO REPLY©

FM Horner

We don’t listen to hear,

we plan our replies

our conversations convoluted,

everyone talking at once,

all competing for attention

then the gossips pass it on

and you hear, fourth hand,

weeks later, that you joined

the Knights of Columbus

when you said yoga group

or that you’re taking

pork barbeque to a

vegetarian dinner

Oy

Oh, the hairballs of it all.

f

Here’s to You Norma Jean

Greetings Hairballers,

Returning my hair to its natural state, which at this point is platinum, got me thinking.  Oy. 

Here’s to You Norma Jean©

        

         FMHorner

They made you into the person we called Marilyn Monroe, a sex goddess of the silver screen--all platinum blonde, Happy Birthday Mr. President and Joe DiMaggio.  Every female wanted to look like you.

My 14-year old mind devised plan.  A platinum-washout rinse would transform me.  It didn’t.

That night, our band took the field at half time and it started to rain.  My rinse was a washout as purple rivers streamed down my uniform.  Trying to keep in step while laughing, I almost swallowed by clarinet.  I had become Daffy Duck.

Ah Norma Jean, I never became Marilyn Monroe and neither did you.  Early one morning you left us, on your own terms.  All we had left were memories of the phantom Marilyn and Joe DiMaggio.

Hairballs,

f

Hair Club for Cats

Greetings Hairballers,

Cat owners will relate.  After a month of chewing off his fur and throwing up hairballs, the cat Benchley went to the wonderful Dr. Kelly.  A steroid shot and a dose of antibiotics has him back to himself--self-absorbed and in charge.  Of course, his major league baseball career is over and I expect he may start channeling a few of the recent greats.

Hair Club for Cats©

         FMHorner

Is your cat over grooming, pulling out all its fur?  The solution is here.  Skip those costly veterinarian visits and join Hair Club of Cats.

For the low cost of $19.95 per month, you will receive a bag of cat hair (in four luxurious colors) and a roll of double faced tape delivered directly to your mailbox.  No more bald spots--your cat will look attractive and healthy--perfect for those pictures on your Facebook page.

As a special bonus, if you join in the next 24 hours, we will include, absolutely free (except for tax, shipping and handling-$39.95) a can of Yak B Gone, a $40.00 value.  This amazing new carpet cleaner is guaranteed to remove pet stains by dissolving your rug down to the floor.

Call today at:  WTF-HCC-SUCK-ext. ER and enter the code GAG to start your membership.

Have your credit card ready--our operators are standing by.

Hairballs indeed,

f

A Coven of Turkeys

Hairball Gazette Jan 25 2015

Greetings Hairballers,

Today, a musing on a personal experience from last week.

A Coven of Turkeys©

         FMHorner

Circling ‘round in the middle of the street, a coven of turkeys, tails fanned, chanting an incantation in their ancient tongue.

Traffic at a standstill, no horns blaring, everyone mesmerized--the turkeys oblivious to the busy, busy, busy of our day-to-day lives.

I’m going to be late and no one will believe me.

I’ll tell them my arm was stuck in the blood pressure cup at the supermarket

--that should do it.

Hairballs to all,

f